Missed class/need notes

From the Daily Beacon

Hey guys,
I know this is annoying and really last minute, but due to a series of events completely and totally out of my control, I was forced to miss my column deadline this week. As a result, I don’t have a column to submit to my editor, and The Daily Beacon may fire me as a result.
Now I know you all are thinking that I’m one of those lazy and inconsiderate students who never does his work and then e-mails the class at the last minute looking for a handout, but I promise that I’m not. What happened was that my roommate spontaneously burst into flames while we were driving my mother to the hospital for my uncle’s funeral.
But it gets better, because as we were driving to the fire station to put him out (this is after I dropped my mother off at the hospital), I was abducted by aliens who erased all of my column ideas from my brain. Then I returned to Earth to discover that my car had been broken into. Luckily, they stole only my Beacon column notebook, while leaving my iPod, cell phone, wallet and stereo system intact.
Anyway, this is the first time I have missed a deadline EVER, and I was hoping that some kind soul would be willing to e-mail me their column or even some column notes. I would be more than happy to reciprocate by providing you with all of my old columns and column notes. I’d even be willing to pay you $10 for a good outline of some column material. Heck, any woman out there with some good column ideas and a love for Indian food and/or alien-abducted editorial columnists might even get a date out of this. (Not that it’s likely you’d want one.) The point I’m trying to make here is that I’m desperate, and would really, really, REALLY (you know what I mean) appreciate a little help from someone willing to do my work for me.
Also this might be a good time to mention that, what with the current rash of piracy on the high seas, I’m anticipating some delay on the return leg of my upcoming naval voyage to Somalia. This may indeed interfere with my ability to prepare a column for next week, but it will also prevent me from being able to prepare for (or even attend) my final in Economics 494: Economic Forecasting and Model Development.
If anyone is willing to prepare for and take my Econ 494 exam, that would be super awesome! Unfortunately, the professor checks our IDs after the exam, so I’ve attached a picture of myself (see left). If anyone has a similar facial structure (I’m more than willing to provide a wig and eye color-changing contacts), please let me know. I’d love to get you to sit in on that exam for me.
One more thing before I go. I happen to have come into the possession of a couple of pricey downtown condos just prior to the big housing bust. Now, however, I’m getting ready to leave Knoxville for good, and I really need to unload them before I do. I had planned to get rid of them under one of the new treasury bailout plans, but unfortunately it seems as if I’ve missed that filing deadline as well. (See above, re: spontaneous combustion, funeral and alien abduction.) Barring a federal bailout, I would love to get a few of you in to sublet, if you’re interested. Four bedroom, three bath, scenic downtown views.
Also I almost hesitate to ask, but I need a new kidney. Any volunteers?
Thanks! You guys are the best!
Michael